Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tears, Fears, & Doubts

Lets begin with the Tears. Those came this weekend when evil aunt flow showed her face. Lets just say I was less than thrilled. I had slightly gotten my hopes up that this would be the month. I thought maybe if clomid was going to work and be the answer, we would know after the 1st month. I think that was just wishful thinking. I woke up overly sad on Saturday. I think I cried for over 2 hours straight, it was miserable. I feel like I have to grieve each time the dreaded period comes or someone else announces that they are pregnant, which then spirals in making me feel like a ridiculous person...
The tears were all a result from my Fears. I have so many right now. I fear never getting a positive pregnancy test. I fear a miscarriage. I fear being crazy forever. I fear losing my husband from a terrible disease or sudden accident. I fear infertilty for forever. I fear not being able to let go of the control when what I should be doing is trusting God. It has become a constant battle. I try to pray when I start feeling fearful of these things that enter my mind constantly throughout the day. It definitely becomes a viscious cycle each month.
I'm also feeling extremely doubtful right now. I'm doubting if the 2nd round of clomid will work, I'm doubting if an iui will work, i'm also doubting if I will ever have a baby.
These are just all thoughts that I have while coping with being labeled as an "inferile." Sometimes it feels as though I'm walking around with a scarlet letter ("I") on me and it feels awful. I feel that there are only a select few people in my life right now that can truly understand what it feels like and that is hard, but that is a connection and bond that will run deep forever.

This week, I'm clinging to this verse:
2 Cor 12:9
But He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I'm so grateful for God's grace through this process as I wrestle out these fears and doubts. I do want boast about my weakness and show God the glory through it all!


Corby and Lauren said...

Your post makes me hurt so badly for you! Please know that you are in my prayers as you go through this!

Linds said...

I'm so so sorry. I totally know how you feel and it sucks!

Don't think that you shouldn't cry or grieve... it's all in the process and it's OK! You're OK if you cry for 2 hours. In fact, I'd say you are NOT ok if you didn't.

I'm praying for you!

Emily Richardson said...

praying for you, as always, and that God will replace fear and doubt with hope and peace!

Lauren Lashlee said...

I'm so sorry Michelle.

Continue clinging to that verse. That verse is very dear to my heart and I go to it very frequently. We all have fears and doubts, but all we can do is give them to the Lord. I will pray for God to give you a peace and hope that surpasses all understanding. Gods timing is so much better than ours... but I know how hard it is to be patient and trust Him. When I finally gave it to the Lord (a year later) and told him that I wanted only his timing...everything changed. Not only was I at peace and totally trusting him, everything started to unfold and eventually I was pregnant. I know its easier said than done!! Thinking about you.

the osbornes said...

Michelle, I am catching up on blogs today and just read this post of yours. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and you will definitely be in my prayers!