The tears were all a result from my Fears. I have so many right now. I fear never getting a positive pregnancy test. I fear a miscarriage. I fear being crazy forever. I fear losing my husband from a terrible disease or sudden accident. I fear infertilty for forever. I fear not being able to let go of the control when what I should be doing is trusting God. It has become a constant battle. I try to pray when I start feeling fearful of these things that enter my mind constantly throughout the day. It definitely becomes a viscious cycle each month.
I'm also feeling extremely doubtful right now. I'm doubting if the 2nd round of clomid will work, I'm doubting if an iui will work, i'm also doubting if I will ever have a baby.
These are just all thoughts that I have while coping with being labeled as an "inferile." Sometimes it feels as though I'm walking around with a scarlet letter ("I") on me and it feels awful. I feel that there are only a select few people in my life right now that can truly understand what it feels like and that is hard, but that is a connection and bond that will run deep forever.
This week, I'm clinging to this verse:
2 Cor 12:9But He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
I'm so grateful for God's grace through this process as I wrestle out these fears and doubts. I do want boast about my weakness and show God the glory through it all!