Six

Years is how long I have been married to the most amazing man ever!

I can NOT believe it. I know everyone says this and it is all cliched, but seriously where has the time gone? Just this anniversary I have started to ask myself, "what were we thinking getting married so young?" I mean seriously, that was crazy. We were only 21 & 22 and thought we knew everything. Although it does sound crazy getting married that young, I don't regret a single minute of it.  I've never ever wished we would have waited longer to get married. We've had some incredible times together and have basically "grown" up with each other.

As I think back over this past year and how it has not been the most pleasant of years, I do think about how much more I have fallen in love with Marc. I did not think that this was possible, but I cannot tell you what it does to you going through something difficult and having someone that loves you regardless by your side. We understand each other more than we ever have. We are a team. We will continue to fight through our battle by each others sides. He encourages me, respects me, leads me and supports me always.
I'm grateful and I'm blessed. I don't know where I would be without him.
I love you!



1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)

Cracker box

This cracker box was purchased 1 year ago.
This cracker box was bought for just in case I had some morning sickness and needed to eat something plain.
This cracker box has been saved in my drawer at work un-touched and un-opened.
This cracker box is just another reminder...




A reminder of... that I have no control over my situation, that I cannot plan how things turn out, and that I have God that is bigger than that cracker box. Much bigger.

"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Prov. 19:21

Besties

I got to spend a short 24 hours with 2 of my favorite people this past weekend! It was just what I needed.
My friend Rachael and I woke up sat morning and headed to Tulsa to meet our friend Liz. We did some shopping, eating, and mainly just catching up!
Ra, Liz and I all became really close friends in college. They definitely made my college experience better than I could have imagined. I loved annoying them late at night in the sorority house, although I'm certain they did not. We did everything together! Like ate every single meal together.
We talked about how we wish we could just go back for one night. We reflected on how amazing life was in college and how simple It was. Since we cannot go back, we just reminisced instead.




I'm so thankful to have faithful, loyal friends like them. They just get me and are always there for me when I need them. I can't imagine not knowing them or not having them in my life!




Love you girls!!

Truth

The Truth is I have been struggling with Truth.

Satan likes to jump in and start telling me lies, like "you won't ever have a child, you don't deserve one, only everyone else does, you have no purpose, you stand out everywhere you go because you have no kids, etc, etc." The unfortunate part is that I begin believing them sometimes. I begin questioning everything. I begin resenting and become bitter to those that find out they are pregnant with their 1st, 2nd or 3rd child and so on. I also become self-conscious and want to go no where kids will be present since it is a constant reminder that we don't have any. Then I start thinking about all the time that has passed and ask more questions, "Why us, why?" It seems everyone else can get pregnant but us. Then I begin feeling like a horrible person because I don't want to be that way, I don't want to act that way but yet sometimes I do.

The truth is I want to move away and start all over. I feel trapped in a world of pregnant people and babies. It's as if I'm suffocating and walls are closing in on me. I know moving away will not solve our problems, but we could pretend we are a newly married couple and hang out with only newly married couples where babies aren't even on their radar. I know it really sounds absurd, but I think about moving a LOT. I thinik Europe would be fun for a few years ;)

The truth is I hate milestones. You name it; anniversary, b-day, mothers/fathers day, Easter, Christmas, 1 yr old b-day parties, etc, etc. I dread them. I don't want them to ever happen, when normally I would love every one of them. I think infertility is the devil himself :)

The truth is that all sounds horrible and I know that. But the truth is those are the lies that go through my head daily. The good news is, God is full of grace and will forgive me for believing horrible lies like that and can redeem me with His love. He can also give me an overwhelming peace, which I'm seeking.


For now I'm clinging to this verse:
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." {NLT}

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things" {NIV}


To get a better understanding of how I feel and more about an infertility journey please go to this blog.
http://embracingplanc.wordpress.com/

Carrie is a tremendous writer and seems to always post exactly what I feel or the journey I'm just beginning. This post is my favorite. So if you have 5 minutes, read it. You will not be disappointed!
http://embracingplanc.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/my-cabbage-patch-kid/