Wednesday, August 3, 2011


The Truth is I have been struggling with Truth.

Satan likes to jump in and start telling me lies, like "you won't ever have a child, you don't deserve one, only everyone else does, you have no purpose, you stand out everywhere you go because you have no kids, etc, etc." The unfortunate part is that I begin believing them sometimes. I begin questioning everything. I begin resenting and become bitter to those that find out they are pregnant with their 1st, 2nd or 3rd child and so on. I also become self-conscious and want to go no where kids will be present since it is a constant reminder that we don't have any. Then I start thinking about all the time that has passed and ask more questions, "Why us, why?" It seems everyone else can get pregnant but us. Then I begin feeling like a horrible person because I don't want to be that way, I don't want to act that way but yet sometimes I do.

The truth is I want to move away and start all over. I feel trapped in a world of pregnant people and babies. It's as if I'm suffocating and walls are closing in on me. I know moving away will not solve our problems, but we could pretend we are a newly married couple and hang out with only newly married couples where babies aren't even on their radar. I know it really sounds absurd, but I think about moving a LOT. I thinik Europe would be fun for a few years ;)

The truth is I hate milestones. You name it; anniversary, b-day, mothers/fathers day, Easter, Christmas, 1 yr old b-day parties, etc, etc. I dread them. I don't want them to ever happen, when normally I would love every one of them. I think infertility is the devil himself :)

The truth is that all sounds horrible and I know that. But the truth is those are the lies that go through my head daily. The good news is, God is full of grace and will forgive me for believing horrible lies like that and can redeem me with His love. He can also give me an overwhelming peace, which I'm seeking.

For now I'm clinging to this verse:
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." {NLT}

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things" {NIV}

To get a better understanding of how I feel and more about an infertility journey please go to this blog.

Carrie is a tremendous writer and seems to always post exactly what I feel or the journey I'm just beginning. This post is my favorite. So if you have 5 minutes, read it. You will not be disappointed!


Linds said...

oh, I have been there. It sucks. And I'm sorry. Those are really the only words I can say to you right now. I AM praying! He makes ALL things beautiful, even the nasty, dirty mud of our lives and thoughts. I know He will do the same with this terrible road of infertility.

Mary Virginia said...

Love this post. I hear those same lies everyday. I'm believing that He will redeem. Love you and I'm so thankful for your courage to share something that's so painful.

Stephanie Lee Candles said...

Love your blog! I can totally relate to the TRUTH story. Well written! :) Thanks for writing.

Sarah Autry said...

You read my mind! Sometimes reading your blog is the only way to keep myself sane in a world where it doesn't seem like anybody else is struggling to get pregnant :)