Whats really going on...

{WARNING: this post is long, but openly honest about what I'm dealing with right now in my life. Read at your own risk! But don't say I didn't warn you about the length!}

I don't always talk about what is truly going on with me on this blog. I usually blog about what I've been up to or a whole lot of nothing. I started this blog to document our lives about what is going on so we could both remember what we actually did during our life together. I had it re-designed almost a year ago thinking I would have lots to talk about this past year. Unfortunately, this past year did not pan out like I would have hoped and prayed for. You see I'm very much a planner, I had my life planned out from the moment I got married. I told everyone we would wait at least 5 years before having children, since we were so young. I thought I would be ready way before that, but in reality I was scared to death. Since marrying so young, many of our friends got married several years after us, so no one we were around really were having children. Basically it just wasn't on our radar because we were loving and living life and honestly weren't ready to give up our freedom.
Well about a year ago, Marc really got the itch to start "trying." I really needed a few more months because of the fear holding me back. Having 4 metal rods in your back and being told your entire life that pregnancy will be one of the most painful things to ever go through, I decided I should really be ready and should want this. We went on a cruise in March and then I decided to go off birth control right after that. I felt great about having one "last" trip before getting pregnant.
With all of that said, this past year has been quite a learning one. The moment we began "trying" is the moment I would find out several of our best friends were pregnant and would continue finding out most all of our other close friends were also becoming pregnant. My goal was to have a baby in the spring, for many reasons such as, it wasn't hunting season any longer, I wouldn't have to be huge in the summer, and it would be perfect weather for walking... Well that dream got shattered after July and August had past. Then I thought summer birthdays aren't so bad, Marc and I both have one so that could be fun... that dream got shattered. Fall is also beautiful and not to bad of weather, and now that dream is officially over, which brings me to today and this journey that I am on.
A few weeks ago I finally went to the doctor, they did some blood work and we discussed different "issues" that could be causing this infertility. As we got my blood work back, it tested positive for polycystic ovary syndrome (pcos). This was a complete shock to me, I was not expecting that bomb at all. I'm not going to go into all the details of pcos, but you can google it if you want. Basically, without the help of some type of fertility assistance, I will not be getting preggo on my anytime soon.
With all of that said, the past year I have experienced so many emotions: Grief, bitterness, hope, anger, jealousy and sadness. This was a journey I never ever expected to go down. I thought my problems were going to be the back issues and that was it. I have never been so wrong. I truly have already learned so much. First, being that God's plan is always bigger than my own and that I'm definitely not in control. It has brought Marc and I so much closer together, and I have realized how thankful I am for such a supportive family. I have also met some new friends who also are going down this road as well, which helps a ton.  This process is by no means easy, but I do still have hope, hope that is in the Lord, it just might not be the timing I had originally wanted or planned for. But I will tell you, when or if I ever do get pregnant, the feeling of blessed will take on a whole new meaning and there will be NO complaining. Mark my words.

If you actually read through all of that, wow you are a dedicated reader and I thank you! I will most likely start blogging about this journey from here on out. I have always been a journaler, so it feels good to write it out and process that way. I understand not everyone wants to read about this, but I'm doing it for myself. I will continue to change it up!

Thanks for listening/reading.