Pages

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Whats really going on...

{WARNING: this post is long, but openly honest about what I'm dealing with right now in my life. Read at your own risk! But don't say I didn't warn you about the length!}

I don't always talk about what is truly going on with me on this blog. I usually blog about what I've been up to or a whole lot of nothing. I started this blog to document our lives about what is going on so we could both remember what we actually did during our life together. I had it re-designed almost a year ago thinking I would have lots to talk about this past year. Unfortunately, this past year did not pan out like I would have hoped and prayed for. You see I'm very much a planner, I had my life planned out from the moment I got married. I told everyone we would wait at least 5 years before having children, since we were so young. I thought I would be ready way before that, but in reality I was scared to death. Since marrying so young, many of our friends got married several years after us, so no one we were around really were having children. Basically it just wasn't on our radar because we were loving and living life and honestly weren't ready to give up our freedom.
Well about a year ago, Marc really got the itch to start "trying." I really needed a few more months because of the fear holding me back. Having 4 metal rods in your back and being told your entire life that pregnancy will be one of the most painful things to ever go through, I decided I should really be ready and should want this. We went on a cruise in March and then I decided to go off birth control right after that. I felt great about having one "last" trip before getting pregnant.
With all of that said, this past year has been quite a learning one. The moment we began "trying" is the moment I would find out several of our best friends were pregnant and would continue finding out most all of our other close friends were also becoming pregnant. My goal was to have a baby in the spring, for many reasons such as, it wasn't hunting season any longer, I wouldn't have to be huge in the summer, and it would be perfect weather for walking... Well that dream got shattered after July and August had past. Then I thought summer birthdays aren't so bad, Marc and I both have one so that could be fun... that dream got shattered. Fall is also beautiful and not to bad of weather, and now that dream is officially over, which brings me to today and this journey that I am on.
A few weeks ago I finally went to the doctor, they did some blood work and we discussed different "issues" that could be causing this infertility. As we got my blood work back, it tested positive for polycystic ovary syndrome (pcos). This was a complete shock to me, I was not expecting that bomb at all. I'm not going to go into all the details of pcos, but you can google it if you want. Basically, without the help of some type of fertility assistance, I will not be getting preggo on my anytime soon.
With all of that said, the past year I have experienced so many emotions: Grief, bitterness, hope, anger, jealousy and sadness. This was a journey I never ever expected to go down. I thought my problems were going to be the back issues and that was it. I have never been so wrong. I truly have already learned so much. First, being that God's plan is always bigger than my own and that I'm definitely not in control. It has brought Marc and I so much closer together, and I have realized how thankful I am for such a supportive family. I have also met some new friends who also are going down this road as well, which helps a ton.  This process is by no means easy, but I do still have hope, hope that is in the Lord, it just might not be the timing I had originally wanted or planned for. But I will tell you, when or if I ever do get pregnant, the feeling of blessed will take on a whole new meaning and there will be NO complaining. Mark my words.

If you actually read through all of that, wow you are a dedicated reader and I thank you! I will most likely start blogging about this journey from here on out. I have always been a journaler, so it feels good to write it out and process that way. I understand not everyone wants to read about this, but I'm doing it for myself. I will continue to change it up!

Thanks for listening/reading.

18 comments:

Mary Virginia said...

Love you and I'm praying for you!

Linds said...

Oh Michelle I am so sorry! I totally know that feeling of wanting a baby so bad and watching all of your friends get blessed before you, and it stinks! I'll be praying for you and Mark!

oh little leah said...

Been praying for you guys and will continue to! Love you!!

Sarah Ward said...

Michelle, I am praying for you both. I know several people who have been in this same situation and it's not easy, but you are so right when and if the Lord does bless you with a child it will be such a blessing! I'm praying the Lord will bless you this year and give you peace in your heart during the waiting!

Chelsea said...

Praying for you and Marc!

Elizabeth French Cooper said...

Thank you for being so open Mic. It blesses me and so many others I'm sure. I love you and will always be praying for you.

kate said...

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry. Thanks for sharing. Love you so much.

Julee said...

From your new pcos friend... You know I am here for you!! I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and have felt this past year. I am so glad that God has brought us together at a time when we most need each other for support! Can't wait for dinner if we can ever get out of the snow!

jill said...

stopped just now to say a prayer for you, sweet girl. God is bigger than anything pcos can throw at you! i know that doesn't make it any easier, but i'm praying for you every day. xoxo

The Slonekers said...

Michelle, I'm proud of you for your honesty. It gives God glory even in the midst of pain to proclaim His Goodness and Perfect Plan for your life and family. Del & I will be praying for you as you walk through this. Please feel free to call me anytime. I would love to chat.

Katie said...

LOVE YOU FRIEND! So proud of your diligence to bring Glory to God in everything. He is bigger than this and we are all praying in hope. Thanks for sharing!

The Rippy's said...

Miss you and am praying for you guys! Thank you for challenging me to be more grateful and less of a complainer. Will continue to pray constantly. Miss our neighborhood apartment days :)

Matt, Stefan, and Halle Kate said...

praying for you friend...I would love to invade your dinner date with Julee next time I come up :) Hope to see ya soon!

Mindy said...

I have been praying and will continue!! Love you so much!!!!! Thanks for your honesty!!!

Boonies in the Boonies said...

Michelle, I can not tell you how many people I know that have been diagnosed with that lately. God is so much bigger than a prognosis, diagnosis, or anything else. Praying he brings peace to your heart and blesses your home in ways you never imagined.

Corby and Lauren said...

I meant to comment whenever you posted this... but when I read things on my google reader, I tend to get distracted. Anyway, I want you to know that I've been praying for you. I am amazed at your strength and honesty! Praying the Lord blesses you in ways that you can't imagine!!!

the balentines said...

Corey and I are praying for you and Marc! I'm sorry you are having to go through this! Love you guys!

jayfersgirl said...

Just linked from elsewhere and am catching up on your story. We tried for two years to get pregnant. And then when I saw your "metal rods in my back" I thought "Okay, we have way too much in common." I too have metal rods in my back from scoliosis surgery when I was 16.

Anyway, I am thinking of you and praying for you -- the two years of "waiting for Brooklyn" as I call it now were the hardest of my life. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and to feel that dream wasn't going to happen was incredibly painful and difficult. I know you know what I mean.