From Introvert to Extrovert back to Introvert

Sorry for the lengthy title. Let me explain.

in·tro·vert:

1.a shy person.

2. Psychology . a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings ( opposed to extrovert). 

 

 ex·tro·vert:

 

1.an outgoing, gregarious person.

2.Psychology . a person characterized by extroversion;  a person concerned primarily with the physical and social environment ( opposed to introvert). 

taken from www.dictionary.com

 

When I was in college and when I first got married I took a personality test. It said 100% introvert which was complete opposite of Marc. After a few years of marriage I became extremely more extroverted. I loved hanging out with our friends, I could hardly stand sitting at home not doing anything. While I started becoming more social and finding my energy through people, Marc was going the other way. It was like role reversal and strange.

Fast forward to today and we have done another switcharoo. I definitely think life plays a huge part in how you feel and where you get your energy from.

While I was feeling great, settling into married life I felt on top of the world. We were making so many friends and had a ton of already established couple friends. I wanted to constantly hang out with them as Marc was wanting to just be at home a lot.

Now I can hardly go anywhere without Marc. It’s as if he is my security blanket. Since I don’t have a child I just cling to him if we go anywhere. Conversations are hard for me when they revolve only around other peoples kids and so when that happens I just turn to him and talk to him about something that is familiar and then I suddenly feel better.

I rarely want to go anywhere when there are a lot of kids around. Most of the time I love the kids a ton, but it just becomes a constant reminder.

I know I have to get over these insecurities. I sometimes feel trapped and confused. I hate missing out on things, but I also hate being alone (in 2 ways). Hopefully the anxiety will subside one of these days and maybe one day I can get back to being a fun, spontaneous extrovert. 

For now I will just be introverted at home and extroverted here on the blog!

Whats really going on...

{WARNING: this post is long, but openly honest about what I'm dealing with right now in my life. Read at your own risk! But don't say I didn't warn you about the length!}

I don't always talk about what is truly going on with me on this blog. I usually blog about what I've been up to or a whole lot of nothing. I started this blog to document our lives about what is going on so we could both remember what we actually did during our life together. I had it re-designed almost a year ago thinking I would have lots to talk about this past year. Unfortunately, this past year did not pan out like I would have hoped and prayed for. You see I'm very much a planner, I had my life planned out from the moment I got married. I told everyone we would wait at least 5 years before having children, since we were so young. I thought I would be ready way before that, but in reality I was scared to death. Since marrying so young, many of our friends got married several years after us, so no one we were around really were having children. Basically it just wasn't on our radar because we were loving and living life and honestly weren't ready to give up our freedom.
Well about a year ago, Marc really got the itch to start "trying." I really needed a few more months because of the fear holding me back. Having 4 metal rods in your back and being told your entire life that pregnancy will be one of the most painful things to ever go through, I decided I should really be ready and should want this. We went on a cruise in March and then I decided to go off birth control right after that. I felt great about having one "last" trip before getting pregnant.
With all of that said, this past year has been quite a learning one. The moment we began "trying" is the moment I would find out several of our best friends were pregnant and would continue finding out most all of our other close friends were also becoming pregnant. My goal was to have a baby in the spring, for many reasons such as, it wasn't hunting season any longer, I wouldn't have to be huge in the summer, and it would be perfect weather for walking... Well that dream got shattered after July and August had past. Then I thought summer birthdays aren't so bad, Marc and I both have one so that could be fun... that dream got shattered. Fall is also beautiful and not to bad of weather, and now that dream is officially over, which brings me to today and this journey that I am on.
A few weeks ago I finally went to the doctor, they did some blood work and we discussed different "issues" that could be causing this infertility. As we got my blood work back, it tested positive for polycystic ovary syndrome (pcos). This was a complete shock to me, I was not expecting that bomb at all. I'm not going to go into all the details of pcos, but you can google it if you want. Basically, without the help of some type of fertility assistance, I will not be getting preggo on my anytime soon.
With all of that said, the past year I have experienced so many emotions: Grief, bitterness, hope, anger, jealousy and sadness. This was a journey I never ever expected to go down. I thought my problems were going to be the back issues and that was it. I have never been so wrong. I truly have already learned so much. First, being that God's plan is always bigger than my own and that I'm definitely not in control. It has brought Marc and I so much closer together, and I have realized how thankful I am for such a supportive family. I have also met some new friends who also are going down this road as well, which helps a ton.  This process is by no means easy, but I do still have hope, hope that is in the Lord, it just might not be the timing I had originally wanted or planned for. But I will tell you, when or if I ever do get pregnant, the feeling of blessed will take on a whole new meaning and there will be NO complaining. Mark my words.

If you actually read through all of that, wow you are a dedicated reader and I thank you! I will most likely start blogging about this journey from here on out. I have always been a journaler, so it feels good to write it out and process that way. I understand not everyone wants to read about this, but I'm doing it for myself. I will continue to change it up!

Thanks for listening/reading.

What a Whirlwind

Whew, I'm just flat out exhausted. The past couple weeks have just been crazy. A wedding, 2 funerals, and lots and lots of driving to Little Rock. I feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. There have just been so many emotions going on. By last night I could no longer hold it in and the meltdown began. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I felt it coming and there was no stopping it. I had been holding it in and trying to be strong for everyone else, but I broke last night. Although I cried myself to sleep, I feel much, much better today.
As I have been trying to process the past week, God has revealed himself in so many ways to me. I can feel Him closer to me than I have in months. Death and funerals really get me thinking a lot about my purpose and what I'm on this earth for. I always try to imagine what it will be like on the other side. I know for a fact there will be no more pain or suffering. I'm so thankful to be saved by grace. I think about what a terrible sinner I am and how I take things for granted, but yet I'm still loved by our Heavenly Father. I'm just in awe.
I know it's so hard to understand why some people's lives are cut short, but He always has a purpose and reason even if we cannot see them at that time. When I'm at funerals, I often pray for those that may not know Him personally to be able to just get a glimpse of the Lord and maybe get them thinking about how they want to spend eternity. I think it will be one big party in Heaven and I can't wait!

John 11:25-26
 "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (NIV)

Randy Alcorn has a couple of books on Heaven. I have read "Heaven for Kids" and it was so wonderful. There is also "Heaven" for adults if you are interested. I'm not the best reader or deep thinker so much, so I really enjoyed the one for kids!

One sweet Dad

Today one of my best friends lost her dad. He lost his 4 year long battle with cancer and fought so hard. He fought so hard to stay alive til her wedding. We moved up her wedding 1 week so he could be there. Praise our maker he made it and she was able to go down that isle with him. It was the most bittersweet moment I have ever experienced. Please pray for the French family during this time of loss. He was a great husband and father to 3 wonderful grown children (2 of which got married recently). My heart is breaking for them.

We love you and our praying for you French family.

wake-up call(s)

Earlier this week something terrible happened. Something so scary and sad. Scary that it happened to someone I know and sad that there are such terrible people in this world that enjoy preying on girls.
A friend of mine and pi phi sister that lives in Little Rock was attcked, beaten and almost kidnapped last Sunday. I don't want to say any names for their sake of protection, but it was horrible.
When I heard of this news last Monday, I could not believe it. It consumed my mind and thoughts all day long. I was relieved that she was not taken and that the Lord spared her life. I know she will use this awful experience to glorify God through it someday. I'm so proud of her for being strong.

This whole situation has been a true eye opener. It has made me aware of severeal things, such as being thankful to have life everyday and to not take things for granted.  Also that I need to be more aware of my surroundings and never be trusting. I feel like living in NWA it is safe, and I think it is for the most part, but seriosuly you just never know. I'm kind of a skeptic of people that I don't know anyways, so I will keep doing that even if that means that I come across snobby.

The good news is that they did catch the monster that did this to her. He is in fact behind bars which is such a praise. The LRPD acted fast and did a great job.

You can read the 2 news stories HERE and HERE if you would like.

My friend is doing well and recovering. Please pray for her and her sweet family. Pray for an overwhelming peace and protection to surround them and praise our Maker that he saved her life!

Now go take a self-defense class. Seriously!