Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Planning for Battle

I got home from the doctor this past Friday and opened up my Jesus Calling book. The first few lines on this devotion day was this:

 "Rest in me, Give your mind a break from planning asking My Spirit to take charge of details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant companion who sustains you moment by moment."

All I could do after I read this was think, "wow God, you really have a sense of humor." The reason that I think this is so funny is because I'm a HUGE planner. About 3 years ago Marc and I decided to open up a separate savings account and have it for a "baby" fund. We thought if we have a couple of years to save, we could at least pay our hospital bills and maybe buy a crib. I mean I'm pretty certain that a lot of people don't do this. I had also planned since the day we got married that we would be waiting 4-5 years before having kids. I was finishing up my senior year of college and then I had to have a major back surgery and needed another complete year to heal. Fast forward to the next 2 years, and we just weren't really in a financial place to have kids, nor were we ready. This now brings me to the past 2 years. I planned getting off birth control plenty of months in advance so then we could start TTC (trying to conceive) during the months that would allow me to have a spring baby. I did not want to have a a baby during the Holidays or hunting season. This past year we even put more money into our pre-paid medical card, just knowing we were going to need enough to cover a c-section
I also remember taking a walk with Marc and saying to him, I feel like something bad is going to happen and I just want to be ready for it, how can I prepare myself (again, who does this?) I honestly just felt like we had been having too easy of a time, so I knew a battle was coming, I could just feel it.

Now what I did not plan was for the journey we are currently on. I never ever in my life expected for us to have to deal with infertility. This was something that neither side of our families had dealt with, so it is all very new and shocking for us. I also never planned on several of our friends getting pregnant before us, I had only planned for a few. When that did not go according to MY plan, lots of bitterness set in. Bitterness is such an ugly thing. Thankfully, the Lord has freed me from that and has allowed me to find some purpose in what we are going through. The number one thing through all of this is that I have learned I CANNOT plan everything. I do not get to do that, it just doesn't work that way. I don't even think I realized how much of a ridiculous planner I actually was until all of this.

So all that to say when I read that, "take a break from planning, rest in Me." I was like, ok I get it and I'm tired of planning!!! Surrendering to Him feels so much better. It's definitely not the easiest thing to do, but He knew what He was doing to get me to understand that concept.

Jeremiah 29:11 

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."




Erika said...

I'm definitely a planner too. But through our infertility struggle, I've realized just how much I try to cling to my control. I've been bitter, sad, hopeless. But through it all, God has brought me to a point where I realize that I can't do anything. Only He can. And I have to learn to surrender my will and rely on Him. And continue to trust that He is good. Even when things don't make any sense at all.

Easier said than done. I still find myself constantly trying to get back in the driver's seat. Sigh.