Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Interrupted Expectations

Well I don't really even know where to begin to start the latest update, but all I can say I'm very thankful its a new week. Last week was a doozy, and a big one at that. I really think it may have been the lowest one yet since beginning this whole journey. Me being weepy would most likely be an understatement.

It all started on Fathers Day Sunday. I woke up extremely sad. I had my first symptom of pms and knew what that meant, plus it was a Holiday and a perfect reminder that we aren't yet parents. I'm not a fan of Holidays, birthdays or milestones these days. Its just plain hard, no way around that.
To give you some background info, we just finished our 3rd iui with my 6th round of clomid. This time I had 2 BIG egg follicles, which was terrific and the first time ever that has ever happened. I was feeling so positive and hopeful for this round to work. We had tons of people lifting us up in prayer and I felt so incredibly supported. Unfortunately, the inevitable happened, I started and was devastated. Probably more so than ever. I felt defeated, alone, sad, angry and just plain exhausted from it all. I just kept thinking, why God, why. I don't understand, although I do know he has a perfectly good reason.
So on top of all that, I also found out the next day that several people I know are expecting.  That is just never easy. I always feel mad and then seem to grieve about it each time. I hate that, I really do want to just be happy for everyone as I should be, it's just way easier said than done.
After one "mental health" day off from work and one major meltdown, and a lot of time talking to the Big guy, I started to feel better. I also had some sweet gifts and words of encouragement from my family and friends, which meant so much to me.

So for this month we have decided to take a break from everything. No drugs, no Dr's appointments, no procedures, nada. I feel really good about this, we want and need a break because it is so exhausting. Then I'm not sure about what the next step and months will look like. Praying about those next steps...whatever they may be.

1 Peter 1:6-7

New Living Translation (NLT)

 6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.


Amanda said...

I totally feel your pain and heartbreak right now. Even though I'm still early on in our 2nd journey, I am feeling defeated. If we aren't pregnant this month, we are going to go back to the Dr. to see what our other options are because for some reason, the Clomid is really taking a toll on me this time around. I'll keep praying for you!


Mindy said...

Michelle, I absolutely cannot tell you how often I think of you and pray for you. Truly, ALL day long, you are on my heart, and it aches for y'all. I wish so badly there was something I could do to ease your load. But, just know that I love you so much and am thankful for your faith in our faithful, good God during this unbelievably hard trial. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability! Love you!