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Thursday, February 2, 2012

FlatLining

flatline:

vb
1. to die or be so near death that the display of one's vital signs on medical monitoring equipment shows a flat line rather than peaks and troughs
2. to remain at a continuous low level


 I was explaining to someone the other day about how I had felt following our BFN {big fat negative} news and how I feel now. The best word I could come up with was that I felt like I had flatlined. There was no other way to describe it. It was a horrible feeling. I felt the lowest of lows I had felt in a long time or had ever felt. It is not a fun feeling to die inside. I know it partly had to do with all the meds in my system and the constant roller coaster of emotions that go along with it.
The worst part of all of it was that my relationship w/ God flatlined as well. I hate even typing those words. But it did. I didn't want to pray, read my Bible or have any type of spiritual convo with anyone. I was numb, I was cold, and I was angry. I felt like I had spent so much time investing in all things "good" and I got nothing but "bad" back, so I wanted to be DONE. I didn't want to do what was right anymore. It was probably the most rebellious I have ever felt. Which reading that I'm sure sounds ridiculous, but I hate conflict and love to please people so I try to do all the "right" things. I think I had this mindset for a couple of months but it wasn't really working out too well.
I felt empty and guilty constantly. I felt like I was letting lots of people down, including the Big guy upstairs! All of this to say it was just a very low place to be at. I finally came to a place where I had to confess and surrender it all. And when I say surrender, I mean EVERYTHING. I surrendered my control, my hope, my struggles, etc. I'm soo very thankful for a God that gives me grace when I rebel like that. 
Since then I have been at such peace. I don't sit and worry about he next steps in our journey, I refuse to be fearful about the next transfer, and I'm in awe of a God who will love me through my yuckiness.  I'm not saying I'm back to where I was, but taking baby steps each day makes me crave Him more and more. 

2 Cor 1:5 
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ are comfort overflows." 

3 comments:

waiting and wishing said...

I think your description is absolutely perfect. Though I haven't been in your exact shoes, I know I very much felt that way after our first IVF ended in a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. It was almost a stuck in quicksand feeling and breaking out of it, as you know, was HARD! But, also as you know, getting to that point was exteamly freeing. I'm so happy to hear that things are looking up for you.

Ashley said...

That really is a great way to describe it! It's hard to come back from flatlining - that is for sure!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for sharing. I had one of those "flatline" moments a couple months ago after a failed cycle. Infertility is a tough journey... physically, emotionally, spiritually... it challenges every aspect of my life.

Since that difficult time, I've been meditating on Romans 12:12. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." If I get good news at an appointment, I'm joyful. If I get bad news, I TRY to be patient. And no matter what, I pray.