Sunday, November 20, 2011


As you know I went away on a fun trip soon after finding out our unfortunate BFN news {BFN: means "big fat negative", for those that aren't up w/ the infertile terms}
I feel like in a lot of ways it saved me from a lot of pain and emotions that I wasn't quite ready to deal with. To be honest, I was actually really quite impressed with myself about how well I was handling everything.
So as I returned I still felt like I was doing good, I actually had not allowed myself to cry since finding out the news. Well that was until I had just one bad day. It brought everything I had been holding back full circle for me again. Lots of different things brought it on, such as finding out a few people I know are pregnant. Not even close friends, just people I know. Then I felt like all day whether it was through phone calls, emails, general conversations I had people telling me about other people they knew how it didn't work for them but now they have beautiful children and it will just for sure work that way for us, but if it didn't we could just adopt. I'm sorry, but right now that is just not helpful. I definitely prefer not to hear those things. Everyone's story is very different and rarely the same.   
I do understand that people don't really know what to say and if you haven' been there, really there isn't a lot you can say that will help. Speaking for myself and probably others that have gone through this, letting that person know you care is one of the best things you can do. Avoiding and ignoring them isn't helpful. Just being there for them is great.
Something that I didn't realize would be so difficult for me was being around people again. Being around a large group of people gave/gives me quite a bit of anxiety. Lots of fear plays into that. I fear that they will only talk about babies and then I will lose it, I fear that I will be the only one around without a child, I also fear that someone will say the wrong thing to me and I will not be a nice person back even though they all mean well.
I'm sure you are thinking at this point, "wow she has really lost it." Believe me I have wondered the same thing, but honesty I'm still just processing. I know that many of these thoughts are ridiculous and I also know I can't continue living in stupid fear. I'm very aware of my crazy emotions and thoughts and I'm also aware of the only one that can help me through it, and that would be Jesus. I'm praying away the bitterness that is in my heart and praying for Hope and peace again.

Thanks for bearing with me as I process honestly. It is hard sorting out all these emotions and feelings.


E said...

I am praying for you.

Debbie C. said...

Just wanted to tell you I love you!