Friday, November 11, 2011

Part Three

I don't really know what to say. I'm at a loss for words, and I'm still a little in shock.
We found out from the blood test that it was a BIG FAT negative. We are absolutely heartbroken right now.

On Friday I just knew it didn't work. I literally just knew. I told Marc and he said, "you are just being negative." I had been so positive the whole time and just knew that it would/could work. But Friday I knew. I'm not sure if it was intuition or God easing me into the idea but something literally came over me to where I knew.. On Monday morning I took a test and it was negative, so then I really knew. Marc was still holding out hope that it was wrong and the blood test would show something different, but I just knew deep down what that really meant. I took the test before work which was so dumb, but I knew it was better to test in the morning. Unfortunately, I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry... that was until I got to work and in our meeting they started praying for us, and then I lost it. Like I could not shut down the waterworks. It was the ugly, horrible cry that no one wants anyone to see. I left and drove around, went to Starbucks parking lot to try and calm down, and still couldn't stop. It was AWFUL. I hate crying, and really don't do it very often. I ended up having to go home for a couple of hours to compose myself.

The next morning I had the blood test and then they made me wait ALL day long. I did not get my results till 5:45pm which was so ridiculous. The nurse then confirmed what I already knew was coming. Marc got home from work and then we both just sat there and cried some more. I just keep asking why, why, why. I don't and will never understand why not.

We are still grieving our loss and I'm sure will continue to do so for awhile. The only positive right now is that we do have 3 more frozen and can go back for them anytime. Since the Holidays are quickly approaching us, we are going to take a breather until afterwards and the try again. I just don't think I could handle that news again next month.

We are so thankful to each and every one of you have been on this journey with us and prayed for us along the way. We have truly felt so much support through our friends family and especially here on this blog. I seriously don't know how people do this without faith or a strong support system.
I really was wanting to have good, positive news for everyone but it just wasn't our time. We know it will happen in God's perfect timing for us, we just don't know when that will be or if it will ever be. If you would please continue to lift us up as the Holidays are upon us. They will be very hard for me to handle yet once again.

Thanks again for following our journey and caring about us.


waiting and wishing said...

Thinking of you sweet friend. Grieving that loss is hard- I'll be praying you find your way through and eventually feel ready to try again.

Mary Virginia said...

I love you and I'm so, so sorry. Still praying!

E said...

I don't know you, but I am praying for you. God is faithful, His timing is perfect. Cling to that. He loves you. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry! Praying that the peace of knowing the goodness of God's timing will flood your heart and mind.

Lindsay said...

Thought of you all day today. You are one step closer to Gods purpose and timing. Love you Michelle! Sending you peace sweet friend.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you peace and comfort through this time of grieving. God Is Good, All The Time - he knows whats in store for you!

Anonymous said...

We don't know eachother, but my husband and I, too, went through a journey similar to yours several years ago. We had several turns at IVF, we eventually turned to adoption and had several ups and downs with that experience - even to the point of having pictures of our twin boys in the hospital nursery - only to have the birthmom change her mind. That was in Feb. 1992. What we didn't know was that God had our beautiful little girl waiting for us in an orphanage in Russia. Through various turns of events and heartbreaks, in November 1992, we went to Russia to adopt a baby girl who had been born the previous January. This past Sunday (12/11/11), we celebrated our 19th "Family Day," the anniversary of when she bacame ours. She is happy, healthy and very loved and is in her 2nd year of college four hours away. In the beginning of our adoption adventure, I knew I didn't want to miss a day of our adopted child's life, so was only interested in local, domestic adoptions. I have since realized that although we missed the first 11 months our our little girl's life, we really didn't miss a thing (except the sleep deprivation from the every 2 hour feedings). I know your pain - I have definitely walked in your shoes. Thank goodness you have your faith - just trust in Him... he does have a plan for you.