Remembering back

I've been thinking a lot and remembering back to this time last year. A year ago I was just starting the ivf process. It really seems just like it was a few weeks ago and that time was creeping by. Since I have been pregnant, time has literally flown by. I remember going to a razorback game this time last year and my mom giving me my first shot in the bathroom of the stadium. I felt excited and scared all at the same time.
I wrote this post on starting it all: http://theyounthappenings.blogspot.com/2011/09/starting.html
I also think back to the yucky feelings I had and just how I felt like I walked around in a fog everyday. I didn't love being around people and especially people with kids. It was so hard to walk through life never knowing if it we were ever going to have children. It was a battle and definitely not a fun one. I was mad at having to go through what I did but super thankful at the same time. I was thankful we were given the opportunity to do ivf and that we had good insurance. Through every bit of it, God had His hand on every detail and revealed himself to us in so many ways. It changed us both for the better and we will always be thankful for that. At the end of last October is when we did our first transfer which was unsuccessful. The funny thing about it all is that we technically conceived in October and we will have a baby in October.
That should be a fun story to explain to our daughter one day and also try to explain why we "froze" her :). I like to tell people we have 1 in the oven and 1 in the freezer. I'm sure I sound crazy, but it's all true.

I'm just absolutely overwhelmed as we start our week countdown today to meeting our daughter. We feel blessed, excited and overwhelmed to be where we are.

I just want to encourage those that may be starting this process to not give up hope and try and keep your heads up and not get discouraged with the process. It can and does work! Always feel free to email me if you ever have a question, need me to pray for you or you just need to vent!

Thanks to all those that have followed our journey so far. We are thankful and appreciate each sweet email, comment or prayer. You will have no idea what that meant to me during the entire process.

Part Three

I don't really know what to say. I'm at a loss for words, and I'm still a little in shock.
We found out from the blood test that it was a BIG FAT negative. We are absolutely heartbroken right now.

On Friday I just knew it didn't work. I literally just knew. I told Marc and he said, "you are just being negative." I had been so positive the whole time and just knew that it would/could work. But Friday I knew. I'm not sure if it was intuition or God easing me into the idea but something literally came over me to where I knew.. On Monday morning I took a test and it was negative, so then I really knew. Marc was still holding out hope that it was wrong and the blood test would show something different, but I just knew deep down what that really meant. I took the test before work which was so dumb, but I knew it was better to test in the morning. Unfortunately, I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry... that was until I got to work and in our meeting they started praying for us, and then I lost it. Like I could not shut down the waterworks. It was the ugly, horrible cry that no one wants anyone to see. I left and drove around, went to Starbucks parking lot to try and calm down, and still couldn't stop. It was AWFUL. I hate crying, and really don't do it very often. I ended up having to go home for a couple of hours to compose myself.

The next morning I had the blood test and then they made me wait ALL day long. I did not get my results till 5:45pm which was so ridiculous. The nurse then confirmed what I already knew was coming. Marc got home from work and then we both just sat there and cried some more. I just keep asking why, why, why. I don't and will never understand why not.

We are still grieving our loss and I'm sure will continue to do so for awhile. The only positive right now is that we do have 3 more frozen and can go back for them anytime. Since the Holidays are quickly approaching us, we are going to take a breather until afterwards and the try again. I just don't think I could handle that news again next month.

We are so thankful to each and every one of you have been on this journey with us and prayed for us along the way. We have truly felt so much support through our friends family and especially here on this blog. I seriously don't know how people do this without faith or a strong support system.
I really was wanting to have good, positive news for everyone but it just wasn't our time. We know it will happen in God's perfect timing for us, we just don't know when that will be or if it will ever be. If you would please continue to lift us up as the Holidays are upon us. They will be very hard for me to handle yet once again.

Thanks again for following our journey and caring about us.

Part Deux

That next morning after the retrieval they called us with an update of how many babies we had made!
To our surprise, we got 5 out of our 8! We were very surprised and super thankful because half or less usually take when fertilized.
Also to our surprise, they did 2 different methods of ivf. They used 4 eggs with ICSI and 4 with conventional ivf. ICSI is where they directly inject the egg with the sperm and the conventional is where they place an egg in a dish and then put millions of sperm in there and let them do their thing. All 4 ICSI eggs were fertilized and only 1 egg was fertilized the conventional way. They didn't even tell us they were doing this but I'm oh so grateful they chose that way.
I know if you have never heard about ivf it can be very confusing and overwhelming so I'm trying to do my best to explain things thoroughly :). Ivf is very complex and difficult for some to comprehend. All I know is that God made someone very smart to invent this medical procedure.
So each day they would give us a report on how our embryos were doing. Each day they are looking for them to split and divide. Each morning felt like an eternity. They eventually get to a stage called the "Blast" stage. They must get to a blast stage before transferring. We had 1 that was dividing quickly and the others were being a tad bit slower. When it came time for transfer day we only had 1 that was transferable. They also informed us that the other 4 may not make it to the stage of where they could be frozen. This was SHOCKING to us. I don't know if it was lack of knowledge and research or what, but we thought we would for sure at least get to have 1-2 frozen. They informed us that 30% was average for each cycle, so for us that would be around 1-2. We were very sad about this news. So we began to beg God to save them. We sent out an email to our prayer support and they began to pray as well. To our surprise, the next day the nurse emailed me and was in complete SHOCK! She said you got 3 frozen!!! She also proceeded to tell me that this never happens for someone to get 4 out of their 5! It was a true miracle! We were in awe of Gods graciousness. This was my very first miracle to experience, or at least one I can remember.

This is huge for several reasons. This means that if the one they put in me doesn't take, we can go back in for a frozen cycle which costs way less and it is not near as long and painful as a "fresh" cycle. And no shots will be involved either. For that, we are so thankful to God.

We did our transfer on day 5 which was a Sunday. I took it easy for 48 hours and then that begins the 2 week dreadful wait.

Stay tuned for Part 3...

An Overdue Update

First of all I would just like to apologize for my lack of posting about our current status. The past few weeks have been very busy for us and we have be traveling quite a bit.
Since this post would be forever long and make your retinas bleed, I will do 3 part post on our IVF experience.

So here is Part 1...
The month of October started off with all of those fun shots I posted about here. While I was very overwhelmed with them all, they actually ended up going by very quickly and weren't too painful. I would never say that it was a blast, but that just comes with the lovely ivf package.
I'm not great at remembering dates, so they will all just be general. After a couple of weeks of shots I started going in every other day for doctor appointments. I would get blood drawn and then scanned to check to see how many eggs I had and what size they were. When they got to a certain size they sent me home and I gave myself a shot that night, then left to head to Little Rock where my ivf doctor is. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since our retrieval.
For the retrieval I went in and they gave me some good drugs, one being propofol (that is what Michael Jackson died from) and it was good stuff (Ha). I was pretty out of it for most of the day but not really in too much pain.  They retrieved 8 eggs, which is a little better than we expected! We had to wait till the next day to find out how many fertilized. This was a loong wait. Everything with ivf is a LOOONG wait if you were wondering. We were absolutely thrilled with the outcome of how many fertilized!
Check back soon for the number we got! That will be in my part 2 post.

God was so faithful through out our whole process. He gave us peace, support, and comfort throughout all of it. We had an army of people praying for us and still do which we feel so blessed by. I can't wait to share part 2 because God did something really awesome for us. Part 3 will be the outcome in which we do not know yet, but still praying for the best.

For now I will leave you with a picture of us right before they wheeled me back for the retrieval surgery.

An Update

Just wanted to update on how everything was going. The shots have actually not been that bad, just a few bruises on my belly. I'm responding really well to all of the meds, so that is extremely good. The time really has been gone by quickly, We are still not sure of the exact time everything will be happening yet, but we would love any and all prayers in the next several weeks.

I have definitely have had some freak out moments. I also keep running all different kinds of scenarios through my head about all the different outcomes that could happen. I know this is the planner and worrier in me and I also know that I cannot whatsoever control this situation. We are putting complete faith in our mighty God that His will will be done through this whole process. We give the outcome to Him. Giving up control may be the hardest thing for me, but I knew choosing ivf would leave me no other option, because this is something completely out of our control.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the support we have received and the sweet prayers lifted up on our behalf. We are humbled and thankful for each of you that have been on this journey with us and that have cared enough to think of us. I had no idea a little blog would ever allow that, but it truly has and it has been wonderful. So thank you to all that read this blog of ours.

Yesterday someone referenced this verse and it really struck me. As we go through the procedure part of this process I will know God is holding my hand through it all and He will not leave me and He will be my strength to get me through!

Psalm 77: 21-23 and 26 {NIV}
²¹ When my heart was grieved
   and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.
 ²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart    and my portion forever.

The Beginning

Friday I received all my "goods" as I like to call them. They came in a huge box and some even in a cooler with freezer packs on them. This made everything very real.

this is a horrible pic, but it is about half of the "goods"

I know in my last post about ivf I was a little bit  overwhelmed. After a day of feeling down and out I quickly regained a better perspective and I was reminded about a few things.

I really tried to thank God a ton for allowing me to be able to do this and bringing me to this point of utter desperation for Him. It is no longer in my control whatsoever {it really never was}, but fully up to Him about this outcome. I really do still have a peace about all of this and I feel like it is going by pretty quickly.

Marc has been great about reminding me to let go and give it up because sometimes I get brain farts along the way.

The shots so far haven't been too bad. The first day I chickened out and had my friend who happens to be a nurse and happens to be my neighbor come over and give me the first shot. I had my mom and Marc both watch so they would know for the future.

The funny shot story I have is that Saturday we were all going to the Razorback game and I remembered I have to have my shot between 6pm-8pm and the game started at 6 and would most likely not be over until around 10. So what do I do... I take a needle, the medicine and an alcohol swab in my clutch into the game. I kid you not, my mom and I packed in a tiny stall in the bathroom and she gave me a shot right before kick- off. I did freak out right before going in thinking there was No way they would let me in with a needle in purse, but I turned it over and kind of covered it and they never saw it ... which probably isn't a good thing! Oh well we all survived and all in all it was a success.

For some reason I haven't mustered up enough courage to give the shots to myself. I just can't do it quite yet. I guess I'm still getting used to the idea that this is "my normal."

I'm very excited that this is the Beginning for us and hopefully the beginning of something great!

Slightly Overwhelmed

 

This will be happening soon....

and I'm really not that excited about it.

 Now doesn't that look like a good time?

I had what you call an "IVF class" last week. This is where the Nurse Practitioner went over how to give myself injections. On the table she had literally had 3 different shots laid out for me to see. I then practiced on a fake piece of skin. Basically it was like a poke party.

As she was showing me all these different shots and making it very clear to me to me how I did not need to mess these things up I became slightly overwhelmed. I thought I was going to lose it right there in that office. Instead I waited till I got to the car. I started immediately feeling some anger creeping in.

I was mad the I have to do this and most people don't. I was mad about how unfair it was and how it seems everyone around me doesn't have a clue that it's this hard to get pregnant. I was just plain upset. So many emotions happen to you during this time. And they happen in waves. They come and go, and then come and go again. It's a vicious pattern really.

Marc asked me later that day, "What happened to your attitude of thankfulness about getting to do this?" I said that went out the door when I saw all those needles. Ha!

It took me a couple of days to get over it and then I was fine again. It was the first moment I had where I thought that I really can't do this. It is just too much to handle and everything has to work perfectly.

.

1Chronicles 16:34 
Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.

{Thank goodness for His Mercy and forgiveness. I would be a mess without it.}

Colossians 2:6 (NIV)
  ⁶ So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, ⁷ rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

{The main reason I need to have an attitude of Thankfulness}

I would not be able to go through this hard time without God's grace, love and faithfulness. I'm definitely thankful for that!

Starting

Well this week marks the week of starting the ivf process. I officially started once again. I was still holding out a glimmer of hope, but that quickly dissolved when Af (Aunt Flow) showed up. I just kept thinking if we aren't supposed to move on, I will be pregnant, so it just confirms to me that I'm doing the right thing.

I've had a few thoughts as I'm about to enter this new phase or as I like to call it "chapter 3" of the journey:

* I'm absolutely terrified. I know we are supposed to do this, but it does not make it any less intimidating,
* I have to take it one day at a time
* I have to stay positive. I feel like I've read several blogs recently that have already gone through this and did not have positive outcomes. So I'm trying to prepare myself.
* I'm nervous.
* I don't want to get fatter and more moody...yuck.
* I'm excited to move on and have a plan
* I don't know how to not get my hopes up
* I don't know how I'll get through the Holidays if it is not successful
* God is teaching me how to be vulnerable through this. It's humbling. It's life-changing.
* I'm grateful for a supportive husband and family as we go through this.
* I'm grateful for a God that is bigger than me and way more powerful than any doctor.
* I'm going to attempt to have an attitude of thankfulness through this whole process because I am indeed thankful to even have the opportunity to do it and that is has been made available to us.

Thank you to all that are on this journey with us. Your prayers and sweet comments mean so much to us both.



1 Thess 5:16-18 (NIV)


¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Why IVF

Why we chose IVf...

There are several reasons we have decided to do this. A big reason is that we have been blessed with great insurance. We know that does not make it free, but we started saving for a child long before we started trying. Remember I'm a planner...(I'm still learning how to not be one) We started saving to cover hospital expenses and furniture for a nursery... we will just have enough to cover our total expenses.

We have such a Peace about it. This wasn't something we just couldn't wait to do. Honestly who wants to go through something like this that is really not so easy? It will by no means be a piece of cake or a walk in the park. Who wants to give themselves shots everyday. Talk about getting poked, probed, and looked at are never fun.
We have been praying about this for awhile. We have also had family and friends praying for us for quite sometime now. I have talked to several different people that have been through it already. Some are successful stories and some are not. I have to be okay with whatever the outcome is, positive or negative. That is not an easy place to get to. To put myself through this mentally and physically, failure does not seem appealing. I do know whatever the outcome will be, will be Gods choice and not mine. We do not put our faith in the doctors whatsoever. We know He has chosen to test our Faith greatly through this process and it is only strengthening both Marc and I.

If we were to not try this, I'm not sure I could properly grieve about NEVER having a child. I think it would be hard to move on past it, whether that would someday be towards adoption or being foster parents. I just think I would always wonder... "What If?" or I would continue to ask myself why was I being so stubborn in not giving it a chance when great insurance is present?

We are fully aware that it is risky and there are a lot of moral convictions that we have about it. We will definitely be taking the more conservative approach. We will most likely not have all of the eggs fertilized to keep the number of embryos down. Remember, I have major back issues, so we will also only be putting 1 in at a time. We will be praying for God to choose that number of embryos we get. We are sure He will not give us more than we can handle.

All of this to say we are excited to be moving on. I know I'm trying to just take 1 thing at a time because all the information is so daunting, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to do this and I'm thankful to be moving on to our next chapter.

I will most likely be blogging my way through this whole process with hopefully some fun in between. I do someday want to print the blog into a book form, so I want to keep an account of what happens. I also think it is good therapy for me to write about it all. :)

Thank you for joining us on this long, crazy, hard journey.

1 Peter 1:6-7 

⁶ So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

New Living Translation (NLT)