Tears, Fears, & Doubts

Lets begin with the Tears. Those came this weekend when evil aunt flow showed her face. Lets just say I was less than thrilled. I had slightly gotten my hopes up that this would be the month. I thought maybe if clomid was going to work and be the answer, we would know after the 1st month. I think that was just wishful thinking. I woke up overly sad on Saturday. I think I cried for over 2 hours straight, it was miserable. I feel like I have to grieve each time the dreaded period comes or someone else announces that they are pregnant, which then spirals in making me feel like a ridiculous person...
The tears were all a result from my Fears. I have so many right now. I fear never getting a positive pregnancy test. I fear a miscarriage. I fear being crazy forever. I fear losing my husband from a terrible disease or sudden accident. I fear infertilty for forever. I fear not being able to let go of the control when what I should be doing is trusting God. It has become a constant battle. I try to pray when I start feeling fearful of these things that enter my mind constantly throughout the day. It definitely becomes a viscious cycle each month.
I'm also feeling extremely doubtful right now. I'm doubting if the 2nd round of clomid will work, I'm doubting if an iui will work, i'm also doubting if I will ever have a baby.
These are just all thoughts that I have while coping with being labeled as an "inferile." Sometimes it feels as though I'm walking around with a scarlet letter ("I") on me and it feels awful. I feel that there are only a select few people in my life right now that can truly understand what it feels like and that is hard, but that is a connection and bond that will run deep forever.

This week, I'm clinging to this verse:

2 Cor 12:9

But He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I'm so grateful for God's grace through this process as I wrestle out these fears and doubts. I do want boast about my weakness and show God the glory through it all!

chick-fil-a

This is exactly how I feel on Sundays...

Marc has a twin

A latino twin that is.
Has anyone been watching American Idol this season? There was a guy in the top 24 who looks pretty similar to Marc. I had about 4 people say something to me about how similar they looked.
His name is Jovany Baretto. The facial structure, lips, and build are all about the same. My husband looks like he works out everyday and I assure people he hasnt in about 3 years, but when he does, it takes about 2-4 weeks and he looks like he pumps iron twice a day. It's sick and unfair. They also have the same mannerisms. When he would sing it freaked both of us out. Unfortunately he did not make top 10, but we at least learned that Marc had a twin!



Not the best comprison pics, but I can definitely see it. What do you think?

A great reminder

Don't worry I'm still alive, this week has been pretty crazy at work and it seems like we had something every night this past week.
Okay Enough excuses....

The other day Marc's sweet stepdad, aka my father-in-law called to see if he could bring me something. I was thinking it was going to be food related because he is an amazing cook.
Instead of something food related, it was this:







There is a story that goes along with this coin. He said that Marc's mom gave it to him when he was looking for a job, well he eventually found a job that he really loved and this coin was a great encouragement to him while he was searching. While at this job, he met a guy and him and his wife had trouble getting pregnant and experienced 3 miscarriages. So he decided to pass this coin on to his co-worker while they were experiencing a difficult time. His co-worker's wife kept it in her wallet for years, and every time she opened it up saw this great reminder of Mark 10:27. They now have 2 healthy children.
Well the other day Keith decided to ask him if he still had it, and the guy did. Keith said he had someone in mind to pass it on too, which is me! The guy mailed it to him and Keith brought it over and shared this sweet story with me.
It was so special that he took the time to bring that over to share with me. It is a great reminder for me to have hope in the Lord. I hope someday I can pass that along as well.
Have a great week!