To Decorate or Not decorate...

I've been struggling with this question. Should I or should I not decorate for Christmas. It is this constant battle right now I have going on in my head. My mind says no but my heart says yes. The reason my mind says no is mainly because I don't want to have Christmas. I rather pretend that its not really coming in a few short weeks. If I put a tree up, then that will be a constant reminder to me that I have to do Christmas yet once again without a baby and without being pregnant. I thought the first year was hard, but oh boy was I wrong. The second is killer.

I know that Christmas is not about décor, nor is it about me.  What I would really love is that we could just go far away for Christmas. Obviously running away solves all your problems…right?! Kidding, kind of. I think its me trying to protect myself from a lot of pain and sadness. That doesn’t mean I can justify it by boycotting Christmas, I think what it means for me is that I need to focus only on what the real meaning of Christmas truly is...

Luke 1:30-33

 30 And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. 31 And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

In all seriousness, I haven’t decided about what to do. I kind of think without a tree it would make Christmas simple. Simplicity is a great reminder for me and helps me to remember the real reason for the season. What about you? What are some things that help you remember the reason for the season?

Happy Thanksgiving

Wordless style...

unThankful

As I was sitting in church this past Sunday, the service was all about gratitude. I was thinking "seriously God, you have got to be kidding me." We had a time of sharing of what God was doing in others lives and how grateful everyone was. Then we sang "thankful" songs while I kept sitting there with a very un-Thankful heart. I did not want to be there. I felt like I was getting madder by the moment. Mad at God, mad at my situation, mad at the people sitting next to me, mad that the ivf didn't work, practically mad at the world. I was ashamed that I was feeling this way. I knew it was wrong and I knew my heart was not in a good place.
I sat there trying to think of 1 thing I was grateful for to try and snap myself out of it. I instead came up with 3. I was grateful for Marc, my family and my 3 frozen babies.
Then a girl whom i know began to sing this song. Talk about snap you out of it...

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peaceComfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our sufferingAll the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate pleaAnd long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Courtesy of lyricshall.com

Talk about powerful. I think I may read those lyrics everyday I wake up. Knowing His mercies are in disguise changes my train of thought a little lot.

For that, I am no longer un-Thankful but very Thankful that he still loves and is still near to me for when I stray.

Processing...

As you know I went away on a fun trip soon after finding out our unfortunate BFN news {BFN: means "big fat negative", for those that aren't up w/ the infertile terms}
I feel like in a lot of ways it saved me from a lot of pain and emotions that I wasn't quite ready to deal with. To be honest, I was actually really quite impressed with myself about how well I was handling everything.
So as I returned I still felt like I was doing good, I actually had not allowed myself to cry since finding out the news. Well that was until I had just one bad day. It brought everything I had been holding back full circle for me again. Lots of different things brought it on, such as finding out a few people I know are pregnant. Not even close friends, just people I know. Then I felt like all day whether it was through phone calls, emails, general conversations I had people telling me about other people they knew how it didn't work for them but now they have beautiful children and it will just for sure work that way for us, but if it didn't we could just adopt. I'm sorry, but right now that is just not helpful. I definitely prefer not to hear those things. Everyone's story is very different and rarely the same.   
I do understand that people don't really know what to say and if you haven' been there, really there isn't a lot you can say that will help. Speaking for myself and probably others that have gone through this, letting that person know you care is one of the best things you can do. Avoiding and ignoring them isn't helpful. Just being there for them is great.
Something that I didn't realize would be so difficult for me was being around people again. Being around a large group of people gave/gives me quite a bit of anxiety. Lots of fear plays into that. I fear that they will only talk about babies and then I will lose it, I fear that I will be the only one around without a child, I also fear that someone will say the wrong thing to me and I will not be a nice person back even though they all mean well.
I'm sure you are thinking at this point, "wow she has really lost it." Believe me I have wondered the same thing, but honesty I'm still just processing. I know that many of these thoughts are ridiculous and I also know I can't continue living in stupid fear. I'm very aware of my crazy emotions and thoughts and I'm also aware of the only one that can help me through it, and that would be Jesus. I'm praying away the bitterness that is in my heart and praying for Hope and peace again.

Thanks for bearing with me as I process honestly. It is hard sorting out all these emotions and feelings.

A get-away

Now for some happy... Obviously it was a rough week last week, but thankfully I had already planned a trip with my mom back in the summer to Austin, TX to see my good friend! It just so happened to be the best timing ever for me. I would still be way down in the dumps if I had not gone.
I went to visit my friend from middle school-high school. I would say I have kept up with her the most since we got out of high school and we unfortunately did not attend the same college.
Even though she lives in Austin, I have been able to see her at least a couple of times a year.
We had so much fun. Did lots of shopping, eating, and chatting! It was the perfect girls trip.

my favorite dessert place of all time.... gordoughs. Yep its darn good and darn unhealthy, but who is counting calories on vacay anyways ;) 

my mom even liked it and she doesn't even like sweets.

the shopping damage... sorry dad and Marc. We got lots of Christmas shopping done though

and last but not least, her precious daughter Willow. She was our entertainment for the weekend!

We did so many more things that I did not take pictures of. All I know is I'm in love with Austin and could move there at any time! I even told Marc I found us a house ;). It reminds me of Fayetteville, AR on crack! Ha.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. Thanks for your sweet comments and emails. They meant a lot to me. I'm really doing much better.

Part Three

I don't really know what to say. I'm at a loss for words, and I'm still a little in shock.
We found out from the blood test that it was a BIG FAT negative. We are absolutely heartbroken right now.

On Friday I just knew it didn't work. I literally just knew. I told Marc and he said, "you are just being negative." I had been so positive the whole time and just knew that it would/could work. But Friday I knew. I'm not sure if it was intuition or God easing me into the idea but something literally came over me to where I knew.. On Monday morning I took a test and it was negative, so then I really knew. Marc was still holding out hope that it was wrong and the blood test would show something different, but I just knew deep down what that really meant. I took the test before work which was so dumb, but I knew it was better to test in the morning. Unfortunately, I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry... that was until I got to work and in our meeting they started praying for us, and then I lost it. Like I could not shut down the waterworks. It was the ugly, horrible cry that no one wants anyone to see. I left and drove around, went to Starbucks parking lot to try and calm down, and still couldn't stop. It was AWFUL. I hate crying, and really don't do it very often. I ended up having to go home for a couple of hours to compose myself.

The next morning I had the blood test and then they made me wait ALL day long. I did not get my results till 5:45pm which was so ridiculous. The nurse then confirmed what I already knew was coming. Marc got home from work and then we both just sat there and cried some more. I just keep asking why, why, why. I don't and will never understand why not.

We are still grieving our loss and I'm sure will continue to do so for awhile. The only positive right now is that we do have 3 more frozen and can go back for them anytime. Since the Holidays are quickly approaching us, we are going to take a breather until afterwards and the try again. I just don't think I could handle that news again next month.

We are so thankful to each and every one of you have been on this journey with us and prayed for us along the way. We have truly felt so much support through our friends family and especially here on this blog. I seriously don't know how people do this without faith or a strong support system.
I really was wanting to have good, positive news for everyone but it just wasn't our time. We know it will happen in God's perfect timing for us, we just don't know when that will be or if it will ever be. If you would please continue to lift us up as the Holidays are upon us. They will be very hard for me to handle yet once again.

Thanks again for following our journey and caring about us.

Part Deux

That next morning after the retrieval they called us with an update of how many babies we had made!
To our surprise, we got 5 out of our 8! We were very surprised and super thankful because half or less usually take when fertilized.
Also to our surprise, they did 2 different methods of ivf. They used 4 eggs with ICSI and 4 with conventional ivf. ICSI is where they directly inject the egg with the sperm and the conventional is where they place an egg in a dish and then put millions of sperm in there and let them do their thing. All 4 ICSI eggs were fertilized and only 1 egg was fertilized the conventional way. They didn't even tell us they were doing this but I'm oh so grateful they chose that way.
I know if you have never heard about ivf it can be very confusing and overwhelming so I'm trying to do my best to explain things thoroughly :). Ivf is very complex and difficult for some to comprehend. All I know is that God made someone very smart to invent this medical procedure.
So each day they would give us a report on how our embryos were doing. Each day they are looking for them to split and divide. Each morning felt like an eternity. They eventually get to a stage called the "Blast" stage. They must get to a blast stage before transferring. We had 1 that was dividing quickly and the others were being a tad bit slower. When it came time for transfer day we only had 1 that was transferable. They also informed us that the other 4 may not make it to the stage of where they could be frozen. This was SHOCKING to us. I don't know if it was lack of knowledge and research or what, but we thought we would for sure at least get to have 1-2 frozen. They informed us that 30% was average for each cycle, so for us that would be around 1-2. We were very sad about this news. So we began to beg God to save them. We sent out an email to our prayer support and they began to pray as well. To our surprise, the next day the nurse emailed me and was in complete SHOCK! She said you got 3 frozen!!! She also proceeded to tell me that this never happens for someone to get 4 out of their 5! It was a true miracle! We were in awe of Gods graciousness. This was my very first miracle to experience, or at least one I can remember.

This is huge for several reasons. This means that if the one they put in me doesn't take, we can go back in for a frozen cycle which costs way less and it is not near as long and painful as a "fresh" cycle. And no shots will be involved either. For that, we are so thankful to God.

We did our transfer on day 5 which was a Sunday. I took it easy for 48 hours and then that begins the 2 week dreadful wait.

Stay tuned for Part 3...

An Overdue Update

First of all I would just like to apologize for my lack of posting about our current status. The past few weeks have been very busy for us and we have be traveling quite a bit.
Since this post would be forever long and make your retinas bleed, I will do 3 part post on our IVF experience.

So here is Part 1...
The month of October started off with all of those fun shots I posted about here. While I was very overwhelmed with them all, they actually ended up going by very quickly and weren't too painful. I would never say that it was a blast, but that just comes with the lovely ivf package.
I'm not great at remembering dates, so they will all just be general. After a couple of weeks of shots I started going in every other day for doctor appointments. I would get blood drawn and then scanned to check to see how many eggs I had and what size they were. When they got to a certain size they sent me home and I gave myself a shot that night, then left to head to Little Rock where my ivf doctor is. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since our retrieval.
For the retrieval I went in and they gave me some good drugs, one being propofol (that is what Michael Jackson died from) and it was good stuff (Ha). I was pretty out of it for most of the day but not really in too much pain.  They retrieved 8 eggs, which is a little better than we expected! We had to wait till the next day to find out how many fertilized. This was a loong wait. Everything with ivf is a LOOONG wait if you were wondering. We were absolutely thrilled with the outcome of how many fertilized!
Check back soon for the number we got! That will be in my part 2 post.

God was so faithful through out our whole process. He gave us peace, support, and comfort throughout all of it. We had an army of people praying for us and still do which we feel so blessed by. I can't wait to share part 2 because God did something really awesome for us. Part 3 will be the outcome in which we do not know yet, but still praying for the best.

For now I will leave you with a picture of us right before they wheeled me back for the retrieval surgery.

8 years ago

8 years ago today my sorority had a function called "Great Outdoors." It was my first time that I had to ask someone to a function. It was so hard for me to be doing the inviting and I was SOO nervous.
I had seen Marc several times and only had met him a couple times through mutual friends. I thought he was the hottest/dreamiest guy at school (still think he would be!) I had several people re-affirm me that I should ask him and that he was a great guy. Someone also thought it would be fun to go ahead and let him know that I was going to ask him.... I think it took me a full 2 weeks to get the nerve up to finally ask him and when I did, he totally knew what I was doing and set it up for me :)
He told me he never gets invited to functions anymore, (that was a LIE!) I didn't care I was just so thrilled he said yes and was coming! I was on cloud nine and super nervous about it.

I had the best time with him. We went with several people to a cabin and cooked out and watched fun Halloween movies. We didn't do a whole lot, but I could tell after a few conversations we had a lot in common with each other and I was already thinking about another function I could ask him too. I had fallen for him. I was ridiculous, and not ashamed.

When we got home I was talking to my mother about how great he was and that I probably would never hear from him again, and really didn't think I had a chance.... well he actually beeped in that same conversation and wanted me to see a deer he had just killed!!! Of course I said YES and what does he do, he brings the deer in the back parking lot of the Pi phi house and I oohed and awed over that deer like it was the greatest thing I had ever seen!

That sealed the deal for him and the rest is history! Well it took him a little longer than it did me, but I knew it would work out if he would ever come around and he obviously did!

this is not a pic from that function, but I still wear that t-shirt from that weekend!

Ignore the ugliness of my face, just showing how much I still love the shirt!

And this is the deer that sealed the deal for him! Yep, its hanging in our house.

And that is why I love November 1st!

The End