FlatLining

flatline:
— vb
1.	to die or be so near death that the display of one's vital signs on medical monitoring equipment shows a flat line rather than peaks and troughs
2.	to remain at a continuous low level  I was explaining to someone the other day about how I had felt following our BFN {big fat negative} news and how I feel now. The best word I could come up with was that I felt like I had flatlined. There was no other way to describe it. It was a horrible feeling. I felt the lowest of lows I had felt in a long time or had ever felt. It is not a fun feeling to die inside. I know it partly had to do with all the meds in my system and the constant roller coaster of emotions that go along with it. The worst part of all of it was that my relationship w/ God flatlined as well. I hate even typing those words. But it did. I didn't want to pray, read my Bible or have any type of spiritual convo with anyone. I was numb, I was cold, and I was angry. I felt like I had spent so much time investing in all things "good" and I got nothing but "bad" back, so I wanted to be DONE. I didn't want to do what was right anymore. It was probably the most rebellious I have ever felt. Which reading that I'm sure sounds ridiculous, but I hate conflict and love to please people so I try to do all the "right" things. I think I had this mindset for a couple of months but it wasn't really working out too well. I felt empty and guilty constantly. I felt like I was letting lots of people down, including the Big guy upstairs! All of this to say it was just a very low place to be at. I finally came to a place where I had to confess and surrender it all. And when I say surrender, I mean EVERYTHING. I surrendered my control, my hope, my struggles, etc. I'm soo very thankful for a God that gives me grace when I rebel like that.  Since then I have been at such peace. I don't sit and worry about he next steps in our journey, I refuse to be fearful about the next transfer, and I'm in awe of a God who will love me through my yuckiness.  I'm not saying I'm back to where I was, but taking baby steps each day makes me crave Him more and more.  2 Cor 1:5  "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ are comfort overflows."

Whose Stuff is it?

This past weekend while I was in Little Rock we went to Fellowship bible church. I began going there in 6^th grade and have always loved it. While I have been gone from Little Rock for 8 years now a lot has changed there. The location, the pastors, and a lot of the congregation.

Every time I go visit, I always get so inspired with the teachings. I feel like they are always bringing it and challenging all of West Little Rock, which is definitely a good and needed thing. This past Sunday, the message was on “Stuff”. I was thinking Oh no, why this message, this Sunday? I love my “stuff.” The funny thing was my parents just moved a few weekends ago. After 30 years of marriage and living in the same house longer than they normally do, they had accumulated some stuff (as we all would.) So the timing of this message really made us all laugh.  

On that note, they spoke about how there is a power attached to our suff that can sometimes take hold of our hearts. We begin to feel we are the owner instead of God, when in reality we are only the steward of what He has given us. They also said that Jesus spent more time teaching about stuff than any other subject in the world. Fun Fact:  There are currently 2300 verses about stuff.

When I think about it, my stuff is so important to me. I guard it, don’t always love to share it, and hoard it for the most part. Why is giving stuff away so hard? Marc is always so, so good about giving. I know he would give everything away if I would let him. In the sermon, they stated that extreme generosity begins to happen when we become stewards instead of owners.

LUKE 12:15  Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard

against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the

abundance of his possessions."

So for now, I’m going to to work on being a good steward, because really we can’t take a U-Haul to Heaven with us.

What a Whirlwind

Whew, I'm just flat out exhausted. The past couple weeks have just been crazy. A wedding, 2 funerals, and lots and lots of driving to Little Rock. I feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. There have just been so many emotions going on. By last night I could no longer hold it in and the meltdown began. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I felt it coming and there was no stopping it. I had been holding it in and trying to be strong for everyone else, but I broke last night. Although I cried myself to sleep, I feel much, much better today.
As I have been trying to process the past week, God has revealed himself in so many ways to me. I can feel Him closer to me than I have in months. Death and funerals really get me thinking a lot about my purpose and what I'm on this earth for. I always try to imagine what it will be like on the other side. I know for a fact there will be no more pain or suffering. I'm so thankful to be saved by grace. I think about what a terrible sinner I am and how I take things for granted, but yet I'm still loved by our Heavenly Father. I'm just in awe.
I know it's so hard to understand why some people's lives are cut short, but He always has a purpose and reason even if we cannot see them at that time. When I'm at funerals, I often pray for those that may not know Him personally to be able to just get a glimpse of the Lord and maybe get them thinking about how they want to spend eternity. I think it will be one big party in Heaven and I can't wait!

John 11:25-26
 "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (NIV)

Randy Alcorn has a couple of books on Heaven. I have read "Heaven for Kids" and it was so wonderful. There is also "Heaven" for adults if you are interested. I'm not the best reader or deep thinker so much, so I really enjoyed the one for kids!